Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not a requirement in some scenarios. Forgiveness and acceptance are often linked when discussing the past and have even been traditionally included in twelve step programs. When looking towards the past, it is important to accept what has happened, as it cannot be changed.
However, it is not necessary to forgive. The concept of forgiveness is also often linked to the intent of the action. If someone feels true remorse for their action, it will likely be more easily forgiven. If the person was not aware of the negative impact of their action, it is also more easily forgiven. However, if the act was committed both without remorse and with full knowledge and intent to do harm, then it is not necessary to forgive.
For some people, it is more difficult to offer true forgiveness. There is often guilt and shame associated with an inability to offer forgiveness. Or forgiveness is seen as weakness. None of this is based in fact. You should not have to feel guilt or shame if you cannot forgive someone. Alternately, forgiving someone does not make you weak. Decisions to forgive someone are not simple decisions. They are deeply rooted in trust, beliefs, core values, love. When someone does something to break that trust, the process of forgiveness may have to include steps toward rebuilding that trust.
Where forgiveness is not always necessary, acceptance may be. Holding onto the anger and resentment can have a negative impact on both mental and physical health. Seybold et. al. (2001) found a strong correlation between increased levels of forgives and increased levels of physical health. In addition to an increase in physical health, a correlation between increased forgiveness and a decrease in anxiety, anger and depression was also noted. But the concept of forgiveness is a truly personal experience and is different for everyone. Ultimately you must make the decision to forgive, to accept, or to hold on a little longer. If you cannot figure it out on your own, there are professionals (like us) to help guide you. You are still strong and valuable if you ask for help.
References:
Bockarova, M. (2019, September 18). Why It’s Not Always Necessary to Forgive. Retrieved from
Gordon, K. C., Hughes, F. M., Tomcik, N. D., Dixon, L. J., & Litzinger, S. C. (2009). Widening spheres of impact: the role of forgiveness in marital
and family functioning. Journal of family psychology : JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological
Association (Division 43), 23(1), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0014354
Plante, T. (2014, March 5). 7 Rules of Forgiveness. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/do-the-right-thing/201403/7-rules-forgiveness
Seybold, K. S., Hill, P. C., Neumann, J. K., & Chi, D. S. (2001). Physiological and psychological correlates of forgiveness. Journal of
Psychology and Christianity, 20(3), 250–259.
