When it comes to making friends, kids seem to have it all figured out. Similar interests, the same school, and shared events often are enough to build up a child’s social network.
But how do we find friends as adults?
If we boil down the factors that made it easier as kids, we can sort of recreate that process in our adult life.
Here are 5 tips to find friends in adulthood.
1. Socialize your hobbies
Identify a few hobbies you already have, and hobbies you’d like to try. Make the list first, and edit later. As an old teacher of mine used to say, “the first draft is for throwing ideas at the paper, the second draft is for the editor”.
Next, try to identify how you might add a social aspect to these hobbies. Like watercolor painting? Maybe there is a weekly community watercolor class. Particularly interested in reading? Perhaps there is a local weekly book club. Missing nature? Check out whether there are volunteer opportunities at your local nature center.
2. Get clear on boundaries
Predetermining safe topics can feel strange, but it’s a wonderful way to help yourself navigate new friendships and decide whether certain connections are safe to deepen.
Make a list of topics that are off the table for you, and interests/topics you’d enjoy chatting with someone about.
3. Look at socializing as a physiological need, rather than a search for the “perfect” friends
Humans need to spend time with other humans to keep our mental health in balance. Yes, even the often loathed small talk can be beneficial to our health if we let ourselves engage in it. In fact, small talk that is focused on positive interests and shared connections can help us to feel a sense of safety and belonging throughout our day (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019, p. 16).
Take searching for the “perfect” friends out of the picture, and let yourself socialize just because it’s good for you.
4. Understand friendship “roles”
Trust is built over time. It is okay if every friendship is not a close, intimate connection. Those friendships will come. Take the pressure off of yourself by understanding that different friends play different roles in our lives. Some friends may be more like acquaintances that we love to discuss chess strategies with, or reality TV, but don’t necessarily feel comfortable talking to about our relationship struggles. All of these friendship “roles” are helpful in keeping us socially healthy.
On the other hand, if you realize you don’t feel particularly close to people in your life it may be helpful to make a list of individuals who feel safe to deepen your connection with. Identify what you’d like to share with them and what you’d like to learn more about them so you can prioritize those goals moving forward.
5. Work with the fear of reaching out
Our attention is pulled in so many directions these days, many people feel relieved when another person takes the reins on planning and reaching out. It’s okay to feel afraid to reach out first, or multiple times to a potential friend or friend group. Try to remind yourself that it may be very helpful to both yourself and people you’re hoping to spend time with.
Resources:
Apostolou, M., & Keramari, D. (2020). What prevents people from making friends: A taxonomy of reasons. Personality and Individual Differences, 163, 110043. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110043
Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.
