Every relationship, either friendly or romantic, is built on trust and truth, so what happens when the truth begins to become fuzzy? Gaslighting is a type of psychological control and manipulation, where the victim is fed lies and false information, to the point that they begin to question what they know themselves to be true. The victim can eventually doubt their memory, perception, and sanity. As time goes on, the manipulation and lies grow, which makes it harder for the victim to see the truth.
Gaslighting is a battle for control, between the manipulator and the victim; The manipulator often times wants emotional, financial, or physical control over the victim. It starts small, with lies about simple things. If the victim questions the manipulator, they tend to accuse the victim of lying, or not believing them. It can get as far as the manipulator turning the victim’s friends and family against them, by making them believe that the victim is a liar or delusional.
Gaslighting vs. Narcissism
So we’ve all heard of a narcissist, right? The type of person that thinks the world revolves around them? Well, narcissism is oftentimes the main cause of gaslighting. Narcissists often feel that they are the most important person on the planet, and that they can do no wrong. They’re often self-absorbed, and don’t have any interests, besides those that benefit them. They honestly just don’t… feel for other people. They never cared about what somebody else is feeling or experiencing; Rather, they only care about how it could benefit them.
Gaslighting is not a trait; It is an action done by the manipulator or narcissist. It’s almost a type of brainwashing – In order to achieve what they want, they will go to any extreme. Gaslighters often calculate every move, every lie, in order to benefit themselves. See how the two go hand in hand? Both the narcissist and gaslighter will do anything to make them the most important and best person in the room, or on Earth, regardless of how it makes those around them feel.
That Sounds Familiar!
Do you ever feel a sense of self-doubt when around a certain person? When you’re around them, do you feel more anxious, and much less confident than you usually are? What about wondering if you’re being too sensitive, and constantly apologizing, even when it isn’t your fault? There’s a chance that the person you’re uneasy around is gaslighting you. So how can you be sure?
Gaslighters tend to:
- Make your feelings seem trivial, or unimportant. “Of course you’re going to feel sorry for yourself, you always do.”
- Insisting you were, or were not, at a certain place or event, even though you were. “You must be imagining it, you never went to the restaurant with me and my family. I would remember.”
- Hiding things from you, and then denying they know about it. “You lost your keys? Again? Maybe if you put them in the same place, you wouldn’t lose them.”
- Denying they said something, when they really did say it. “Who said I was the one running for milk? I never said I would.”
- Telling you people talk about you behind your back. “Your whole family talks about you to me, nobody really likes you.”
If any of these sound familiar, there’s a chance somebody is gaslighting you. Whether that person is a romantic partner, a family member, a friend, or a loved one, you should stay as far away as you can!
What Can I Do?
Gaslighters tend to start small; What if you realized you’re being gaslight when you’re too far deep into a relationship with them, romantic or friendly? There are many ways to bring yourself back from the grasp of a gaslighter. The first step is realizing that you’re in an unhealthy relationship, whether it be romantic or friendly. Take a step back from the gaslighter, and start to collect evidence from friends or loved ones. Then, speak up about the behavior, and most importantly, stick to your guns! Confidence is key when recognizing gaslighting. By focusing on self-care, you can make progress towards being a happier, healthier you. Finally, try consulting with a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist. They can help you sort though your doubts and fears, and give light to the truth. They will also help you develop some coping skills, in order to prevent another gaslighter from wrecking your mental health.
Think about it: Do you know somebody that’s a victim to gaslighting? Who are they to you? Is it a loved one, or is it yourself? Whether it’s yourself, or somebody you love, the most important thing to do is recognize the behavior, before you or your loved one loses sight of what’s most important: Them.
Are all gaslighters bad people?
Not necessarily. They may suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is a very real mental illness. Some have no control over gaslighting, or even recognize they’re doing it. Try to speak to the person one-on-one before bringing in reinforcements; It may only take one conversation to switch the behavior, and making them recognize what they’re doing is the first step. However, this may backfire on you, and you need to be very careful with your approach to the gaslighter, as calling them out in a sense may make them extremely upset, and they may attempt to make you doubt your sanity once again.
If you or somebody you know has fallen victim to gaslighting, there is a way to change it. By staying strong, you can help yourself or loved one in seeing the truth behind the lies. Also check out our blog post on setting boundaries.