If you’re anything like me, you will know how incredibly hard it is to say two letters: NO. The inability to say no is referred to as “people pleasing,” and it’s actually a habit, instead of a trait. Considering it is a habit, you can make small changes in your daily life, working little by little to learn how to say no! Realizing that you need to change your people pleasing ways is the first step to feeling like things are less of an obligation, and more of a desire.
What Is People Pleasing?
“People Pleasing” by definition means doing the right things for the wrong reasons. There could be many reasons for this, from gaining attention and approval to avoiding conflict or disappointment. Those who people please are often seen as perfectionists, but they rarely take responsibility for their work. Oftentimes, people pleasers have no boundaries, in the sense that they will do whatever is asked of them, regardless of how it makes them feel. Some may feel people pleasing is sneaky or selfish, as those who people please oftentimes do it for their own benefit, and their top priority is frequently to be liked and free of rejection. This can be detrimental to not only the people pleaser, but the person they’re helping as well.
Why Do We People Please?
Women are more frequently people pleasers, and this may be due to a few different reasons. Historically, women are conditioned from a young age to be the perfect partner for their spouses; Back in the old days, women were to be seen, not heard. To this day, being openly opinionated can be seen as “not feminine,” and more often than not, women tend to be more emotionally attached to people. Oftentimes, women people please not only their spouses, but male coworkers, bosses, and fathers in order to fall into the “normal” behavior of women.
People pleasing may also be a survival technique; Those who were in abusive homes or relationships have a tendency to people please more than those who weren’t. Furthermore, people use people pleasing to avoid losing friendships. People pleasing often begins in childhood, and we tend to carry our childhood habits to adulthood with us.
People Pleasing and Your Mental Health
People pleasing can be beneficial to those around you, but what effects does it have on yourself? In order to people please, we oftentimes suppress aspects of ourselves, in order to fit into a more “dominant group.” We change our own personalities, in order to fit in with others, as most people just want to feel accepted. Some will go as far as changing everything about themselves in order to be “perfect” and feel welcomed. People pleasers commonly change who they are in order to stop the hate on themselves from outside groups. It is easy to identify as a people pleaser, simply because it feels like it is who you are.
So How Can I Change It?
It is possible to be a good listener and be a kind person, while still saying no. And I know, it feels extremely weird and even unsettling, but it is possible. Here are a few ways to learn the art of NO.
Take A Second and Think
Take a pause and see if what is asked of you is appropriate and possible. Start to recognize the difference between a suggestion, feedback, and demands. It’s perfectly okay to say no, as long as you do so kindly. Try not to be rude in what is suggested or feedback; Try to give a brief explanation as to why you’re saying no, or why it won’t work in the way the other person anticipates it to. However, be short and sweet with your explanations, as overexplaining can make you look like a liar or guilty.
Observe
Try writing down every favor, suggestion, or demand you are asked of for one week. Gather information on your frequency of yes’s, no’s, and maybe’s. Write down the request, your thoughts on it, and if you agreed or disagreed. Take victory in the no’s you say, regardless of how small it is. In those moments where you thought about saying no, but folded under pressure, write why you wanted to say no, and how you felt when thinking of saying it. After one week, you’ll have a better understanding of your boundaries, and your feelings with saying no.
Start Small
In order to start saying no, we need to first discuss the two different types. And I know what you’re thinking: “Since when is there more than one no? No means no, right?” Wrong! There are two kinds of No: Hard No’s and Soft No’s.
Hard No’s are clear and concise; Imagine your coworker that you see as a friend (emphasis on friend) asks you on a date. This would be the perfect opportunity to use a hard no. Instead of agreeing, and going to an uncomfortable dinner, followed by the newest Kung Fu Panda in theaters, simply say “No thank you,” or “Thank you, but I can’t do that.” The hard no gets your point across, without you seeming like the bad guy.
Soft No’s contain an explanation. For example, the same coworker that asked you on a date says to you, “I really think you’re doing a great job! Is there any way you could do my presentation next?” The perfect response to them would be something along the lines of, “I appreciate your positive feedback! However, I feel that you would do a much better job if you did it by yourself. Do you want my help?” The soft no can sometimes flip the request around in a constructive way, without the other person feeling let down.
Don’t Be Fluffy
No matter which no you use, be sure to not be fluffy! Try to not make excuses, just tell them your honest answer! Fluffy can be overwhelming, confusing, and make those asking you favors to resent you in the long run. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes; If you asked them for something, and they gave you a short story on why they can’t do it, would you still feel as positive about that person than you did before? Chances are, you wouldn’t like them as much as you did before.
Take You Into Account
Before saying yes, take into account your schedule; Can you fit it into your schedule without overextending yourself? Can you do it without canceling prior engagements? Will it make you happy? If you said no to any of these things, tell the other person no as well. If you agree to do the favor or request, you are harming your own health.
Desire vs. Obligation
People pleasing can distract you from yourself, and you should be the most important person to you. Learn how to distinguish between “desire” and “obligation;” Desires feel good to us, while obligations feel good to others. Ask yourself this: Do I have to do this, or do I want to do this? Obligations oftentimes will have anxiety about the request, while desires will make you feel accomplished.
People pleasing oftentimes shields us from our own anger and resentment towards ourselves, or our past traumas. It is about showing others how to behave, in the way that if I do this for you, you should do this for me. This can turn toxic quick, however, because it leads us to believe in the old saying “After everything I’ve done for you.” It leaves us open for disappointment and resentment towards others.
Saying no is hard, but it’s even harder to learn how to say yes. By starting slow, and taking things one request at a time, you can begin to learn the art of the hard and soft no, as well as learning how to accept yourself and others.