Setting healthy boundaries can be difficult any time of year. Around the holidays, boundaries can be especially challenging. Many people spend more time with family during the holidays, and this can sometimes activate old relationship patterns. We may feel trapped in old ways of expressing ourselves and responding to others. Emotions tend to run high around the holidays, and we may experience extra pressure to say “yes” to everything. The nostalgia we may feel around this time of year can add extra pressure for everything to be perfect. But we still need to take care of ourselves! Here are some phrases you can use to set boundaries with loved ones this holiday season.
I’m honored, but I can’t.
Did your coworker invite you to their kid’s dance recital? Did someone compliment your pie as a way to get you to bring some? “I’m honored, but I can’t” communicates gratitude for the request, while also saying a clear “no.” You don’t have to explain why.
That’s a neat idea!
This is for when people are trying to “educate” you on something you already know you don’t want. Grandma insists that the baby needs something that doesn’t meet current guidelines. Your brother-in-law won’t stop telling you why his method for packing the car is the best one. More often than not, it’s not about you. It’s about the other person trying to feel helpful, or their excitement to show what they’ve learned. They don’t need to know you already know all about it and are never, ever, going to do it. This phrase can validate the intention behind the suggestion without getting into a debate or giving up your convictions.
I value your input. I’ll have to think about that.
Is your uncle giving you long-winded advice about investing? Your great-aunt offering uncalled-for thoughts about your family planning? As hard as it can be to receive heavy-handed advice that you didn’t ask for, this phrase can help you assume that the other person had loving intentions, and to honor those intentions. “I’ll have to think about it” sets the boundary that you don’t have to agree with the other person. You deserve time to process (or ignore) your loved one’s input. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
This is what I can contribute.
Did you get volun-told to organize Thanksgiving dinner? Are you expected to host traveling relatives even though you know it will stress you out? If you agree to do more than you truly want to do, you’ll probably feel resentful. Get clear with yourself about what you can joyfully contribute, and then get clear with others. It doesn’t have to be a “no” that ends the conversation. Try finding alternative ways you can participate that leave you feeling nourished.
I trust your judgement.
Did your aunt make a health decision you would never make? Is your cousin looking for a fight about his latest conspiracy theory? The key part here is that you don’t have to trust someone else’s judgment about your life, just about their life. Even if you’re not completely convinced that the person is making the right choice for themself, saying “I trust your judgment” helps by putting some distance between their choices and you. You don’t have to fix other people’s mistakes. You don’t have to convince them that your way is better. This phrase shows respect for their thought process without needing you to agree.
I’m happy you found the option that is right for you!
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but can be challenging to implement. If a family member is trying to convince you to do something differently and using their own experience as a guide, this phrase can be a gentle reminder that your path is different from theirs. You making different choices is not a criticism of their choices. Everyone is different, and we can affirm these differences. This phrase is also a great way to hold yourself accountable if you’re one of those people who loves offering free advice. Remember that your experience isn’t necessarily applicable to other people’s lives. Affirm the emotions behind the words. Even if you’re not sure this choice is really best for your loved one, you can still affirm their agency in making a choice for themself.
Resources
Andersen, C. H. (2021, May 27). 13 Easy Phrases That Will Help You Set Healthy Boundaries. The Healthy. https://www.thehealthy.com/mental-health/healthy-boundaries/
Hailey, L. (2022, May 11). How to Set Boundaries: 5 Ways to Draw the Line Politely. Science of People. https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-set-boundaries/
Nash, J., PhD. (2022, November 1). How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/