Unfortunately, grief and loss are an inevitable part of life. Whether it is losing a pet, a parent, a job or a relationship, we as humans need to allow ourselves time to grieve.
A common theoretical model of grief and loss was first proposed in 1969 by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. It outlined the five stages of grief, and how people move through the Depression and Acceptance. Denial and Isolation stems from the concept of defense mechanisms, and wanting to protect yourself. For example, if it didn’t happen, then I don’t have anything to deal with. The second stage, Anger, happens as the denial or numbness begins to wear-off, and you actually start feeling things again. People often do not know where to direct their anger, so it ends up falling on the person who passed away, the doctor who didn’t do their job, or the sibling who was supposed to be in charge. The third stage, Bargaining, comes into play when a need for control re-emerges. After the numbness and anger, the brain goes into problem solving mode, thinking “if only we had done this instead”. With the bargaining often comes the feeling of guilt, and thinking that you could have done something differently that would have prevented the loss from happening. The fourth stage is Depression, and can be broken down into two sub-categories; practical and personal. Practical depression stems from reality setting in, and having to deal with the funeral costs, outstanding bills, and “being strong for others”. Personal grief is the actual, and sometimes personal, goodbye to the loved one. Finally, Kubler-Ross outlines the stage of Acceptance. At this point, the anger, denial, depression and guilt are all expected to disappear, and a feeling of peace is supposed to replace them. However, some of the newer models of grief theory, propose that the concept of Meaning Making should replace Acceptance. Meaning making is an alternate process that allows the person time to figure out the meaning behind the loss. It also allows the person a chance to figure out who they are now, and who they want to become in the future.
Since 1969, additional research has shown that some people go through these stages in a different order, and some people do not go through them at all. The important thing to remember is that everyone grieves in different ways, and that there is no “right way” to deal with grief and loss. And if you can’t figure it out on your own, there are professionals (like us) to help guide you. You are still strong and valuable if you ask for help.
References:
Axelrod, J. (2019, November 20). The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
Purcell, M. (2020, January 14). The Truth about Grief and Loss. Psych Central. Retrieved from
https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-truth-about-grief-and-loss/
Sarkis, S. A. (2016, February 11). Navigating Grief: How to Cope. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201602/navigating-grief-how-cope