On the surface, emotions like embarrassment, guilt, and shame can seem like the same emotion. Though related, these emotions are in fact different from one another. They each have important qualities that impact our mental health in unique ways. Let’s explore.
Embarrassment
Embarrassment, though deeply felt, is often fleeting. You might acknowledge a mistake or blunder as annoying but ultimately, an experience everyone has. Feelings of embarrassmwnt can, however, be unsettling.
For example, you spill coffee on your shirt at work.
Though you wish it didn’t happen and feel irritated about dealing with the stain for the rest of the day, you recognize that it’s a simple mistake that lot’s of people experience. The feeling passes and you’re able to move on with your day.
Guilt
Guilt is a feeling or sense that we’ve acted in a way that is against our values. Guilt often includes a sense of regret or remorse. Healthy guilt, while uncomfortable, can motivate us to change in productive ways.
Consider our spilled coffee example:
With healthy guilt you might think to yourself “I’ve been trying to save money, and I’m upset that I might have to buy a new shirt because of this coffee stain. I’d like to work on how I can be more careful with my clothes in the future so I can continue saving money.”
Guilt acknowledges the possibility of change. When we experience guilt, we don’t define ourselves by the error. Instead we focus on what value we feel we’ve violated or what pattern of behavior we’d like to change, and how we can change it moving forward.
Shame
While guilt self-talk sounds like “I made a mistake”, shame sounds like “I am a mistake”.
Shame assumes that the error defines us as a person.
If you spill your coffee and think something along the lines of:
“I can’t believe I did that, I am always so irresponsible” or “now I’ll never get that promotion because I’m such an embarrassment”
you’re dealing with shame.
Shame is often associated with a sense of worthlessness. Shame narratives tend to include the words “I am…” because we’re attaching the mistake to our identity.
It’s important to explore the experience of Shame with a professional, as shame can be a contributing factor to depression and anxiety (Gilbert, 2000). The feeling of embarrassmwnt can also be a part of this complex emotional mix.
Sources:
Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society-The Journal of Contemporary Social Services, 87(1), 43–52.
Gilbert, P. (2000). The relationship of shame, social anxiety, and depression: The role of the evaluation of social rank. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 7(3), 174-189.
